Wednesday 11 March 2026
The prime minister has been detained after dog walkers found him staggering around an alley having seemingly not eaten for days. One onlooker said he had seen him desperately trying to smash open a tin of foie gras with a rock.
Boris Johnson announced last week he was looking for a new cook after his entire staff joined the exodus from London complaining they couldn’t afford to stay.
The episode is the latest in a series of celebrity shocks as workers such as nurses, electricians, teachers and cleaners are priced out of the capital, forced away by spiralling rent hikes, unaffordable house prices and the mass sale and demolition of council housing.
Activists and housing experts have pointed to the Housing and Planning Act (2016), which ended lifetime secure tenancies and forced the sale of council homes, as the piece of legislation that rang the final death knell for genuinely affordable housing in London.
Over-spilling sewers, derelict houses and decomposing bodies have become everyday sights. The only remaining medical facilities in zone 1 are private clinics specialising in plastic surgery.
Oil baron Gus Brannon told the Standard Evening last week: “I went in for gall bladder surgery last month, but came out with a new nose.”
Meanwhile the departure of train drivers and mechanics has been putting mounting strain on the capital’s rail network.
Cracks in the new social order first began to appear when malnourished oligarchs and cabinet ministers were found fighting over handouts at a food bank.
The outlook is equally bleak for high society revellers. As domestic labour has become increasingly scarce in the capital, a new craze has developed for billionaires to employ famous actors and well-known TV personalities as waitresses, chauffeurs and nannies.
The trend began in 2019 when the Saudi royal family employed soap opera star Danny Dryer to work as Head Butler at exclusive dinner parties and champagne receptions hosted in their palatial Mayfair home.
One former party guest said: “Danny added a certain grit and authenticity to proceedings. But the man has no decorum. He was heard calling the King of Jordan a ‘cheeky slag’. You just can’t get the staff these days.”
This is no joke!
It may not be 2026 yet, but if the policies contained in the Housing and Planning Bill currently being rushed through Parliament come into effect we can expect the radical social cleansing of London described in this spoof paper.
The Housing Bill is a wholesale attack on the social housing that currently provides secure and affordable housing to millions of us who make the city the amazing and diverse place it is — and keep it running.
But it’s not just about social housing. The government’s proposals would also make it easier for private landlords to evict their tenants, and make home ownership even more inaccessible. Research by Shelter found that in London the ‘Starter Homes’ promised in the Housing Bill will be unaffordable to those on average incomes, and that households with a single income would struggle even if they were in the top 10% of earners — consigning the rest of us to a lifetime of paying rip-off rents for poor quality housing that we can be evicted from at the drop of a hat.
It’s clear we need changes that put everyone’s need for decent, secure and affordable housing ahead of those who are profiting from the current property bubble.
Opposition to the Bill, which is set to exacerbate the housing crisis, is already building and pressure is mounting for alternatives like controls on private rents and investment in new good quality council housing rather than selling off public land to profiteering developers.
This Sunday, thousands of people will march through London to protest the Housing Bill. And an on-going campaign against the Bill is being organised and supported by groups in the Radical Housing Network, a London-based network of grassroots groups and campaigners working together to challenge the root causes of the housing crisis.
Join the national demonstration against the Housing Bill
Sunday 13 March, 12 noon
Lincoln’s Inn Fields WC2A (nearest tube: Holborn)
Find out more and join the Radical Housing Network at radicalhousingnetwork.org