By Sam Yang
Jun 3, 2015
Hard to feel bad when I think good thoughts. Hard to feel good when I think bad thoughts.
It's obvious that it's impossible to feel good if I only have bad thoughts. It's also impossible to feel good if I only have good thoughts.
There is a need for wholeness. A complex balance of all the aspects of my nature. A need for not just self-acceptance, but whole self-acceptance. An acceptance of my very being.
I am not my thoughts...
That is to say that I am not only my thoughts. I am many things, my nature has many pieces.
I am not my mind. I tell my mind what to do and think. Though it is difficult to control my mind, difficulty does not erase my control. I preside over my mind, however difficult that task may be.
I am not my mind or my body. I in a way supersede those things. My mind can think, my body can do. I can tell my mind what to think, then my thoughts tell my body what to do. My body also does things without thought. My mind thinks things unconsciously. I trust this process.
There is still room for spirit. It is just a matter of semantics. From consciousness, sentience, to soul, the idea that you are more than the amalgam of your brain and body. I don't know what the "afterlife" means. I do know in essence, we are all stardust and we will return back to stardust. Maybe one day we will recombine again into something with sentience. Maybe pieces of us will recombine to several things with sentience. Or it won't. Or it will be a combination of sentient and non-sentient things.
When I have moments where I believe I am only my body or only my thoughts, despair creeps in.
If it does, I accept that too. I know it will be fleeting. I know all things change. I cannot remain in any state for long. That's the only real truth that I know.
If I don't accept, I will fixate. It will linger. Creating an environment for more despair. The more I deny my nature, the stronger despair's foothold.
Western religions say, "This too shall pass."
Eastern religions say, "All things must pass."
The Greeks said, "There is nothing permanent except change."
Science in a way is the study of impermanence.
My nature is like two streams travelling in opposite directions. Trying to reduce myself is like trying to find the center of an infinite universe that is infinitely expanding. I am more than any one thing. I can also know all things from one thing. Rather than dissociating, it is more relevant to think of everything as a part of a continuum.
As much as I have an ability to control, wholeness also means to submit, yield, and let go. Nature controls and nature yields. This is the ebb and flow. This is the frustration. This is the art.
I am not my thoughts.
This is the wholeness of the self.
I am not my body.
Self-wholeness is self art.
I am beyond measure. You are beyond measure.
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