My Life Wasn't Supposed to Be Like This
By Amani Omejer / huffingtonpost.co.uk
Oct 11, 2016

I keep having this feeling at the moment, as though I’m walking through life like it’s a dream... I feel disconnected to everything and disconnected from everyone. I feel completely alone and yet not really like I exist at all... 

I feel as though I’m observing everything, as though I’m observing myself, and saying, what the fuck is this?? Who the fuck am I??

This wasn’t who I was supposed to be... This wasn’t what my life was supposed to be like... This wasn’t how it was supposed to be...

This isn’t right... I’m not right... I haven’t done enough... I’m not doing enough... I should be doing more to make things alright... It’s my fault that things are so hard, it must be... This much shit couldn’t happen and it just be “life” like people say it is...

It must be something I’ve done... It has to be my fault...

I don’t deserve to live happily, I don’t deserve to feel well... I deserve this, I deserve to feel shit...

This dialogue could go on forever — the self-slating, the self-criticism and bullying— and often it does, but when I write it out like that, I realise how untrue it is, and how much this is just self-criticism. It’s just thoughts, it isn’t truth, it just really, really, feels like it sometimes (or a lot of the time...). It’s my inner critic firing at me with seemingly endless and utterly buckling self-judging bullets. 

Writing out the self-critical dialogue brings me distance and enables me to connect with that part of myself that knows that what this critic is saying is bullshit... The part of me who knows unconditional love - towards myself and towards others - and who feels sadness when she hears this.

But I often get myself in a hole, not reaching out and not connecting with people, when I really, really, need to. I get intrenched, overwhelmed, and shot-down by this dialogue, by my own judgement of myself... 

So, instead of reaching out, I head inwards and bully myself, occasionally coming up for air and self-compassion, but mostly just holding my breath and battering myself with critical self-talk about how this is my fault, and I’m not doing enough, and I’m not lovable because of how/who I am...

Despite me knowing there is no right or wrong way to live life, and despite me being able to shower friends with empathy and compassion when they share stuff like this with me, I feel unable to do this with myself in moments of overwhelming shame, self-hatred and self-criticism. I feel blinded to myself and see only failings and fuck-ups and unlovability.

This really wasn’t what my life was “supposed” to look like, though. But then, is life ever fully what we thought it would be? Better or harder (I don’t like the phrase ‘worse’!) I just thought life would be a bit easier... I guess I didn’t think I would suffer this much. Life was hard enough as a kid, I didn’t realise it but I think part of me thought it would get easier! Instead, I feel like it’s got harder... 

Writing that, and when thinking things like that, I immediately think of the thousands, millions, of adults and children who have it harder than me. I feel guilty feeling like this, but I also know that I need to let myself feel my feelings, too, but to just carry perspective when I do.

I live with chronic illness. I have done for about 10 years. It started off with intense Chronic Fatigue symptoms but over the last few years it’s just been one thing after another, or all at the same time (like the last few months...) I find myself laughing sometimes about just how fucked up and crazy it’s been, but other times - like this evening - I feel utterly shattered and overwhelmed with the question, why am I carrying on? Seriously, why?? It’s so damn hard all the fucking time...

I’m angry. No amount of acceptance or ‘coming to terms with where my health and body is at’ will ever make it better... It might make it all easier to deal with, it might bring less internal fights and a little bit more peace to my internal experience, but it won’t make it any less shit. It won’t make me better. And that’s what so incredibly rubbish. I can’t just think myself well, otherwise I would. 

To anyone who has ever told me to think positively, or that our thoughts make us ill, therefore my illness is a direct response to my thoughts...IT ISN’T.

A few minutes ago, I walked downstairs to get a snack from the kitchen and I caught sight of the moon in the sky. I felt overwhelmed with grief and rage, and burst into tears. I’m usually in-tune with the moon’s cycle, like I am with that of a good friend. I’m usually outside, noticing it (even when I’m really ill/in pain, I still make myself do stuff because I have to in order to remain sane and survive this shit), but sometimes - like this summer/autumn - I’m too ill to do that. I’m too ill to be anywhere other than bed most of the time... So I lose touch with the moon, with the weather, and with a lot of life outside this bedroom. 

Experiencing chronic illness/chronic pain is like living inside a kind of a prison - watching the world go by outside and being unable to join it (or even remember it’s there, because it hurts too much to think of everything that’s happening that I can’t attend). Or, attempting to go to events, but having to leave 10 minutes later, because I’m in too much pain to be there. Or, going to things and needing to leave 10 minutes later, but being unable to because of lifts and logistics, or pride and determination to exist in life outside my bedroom... But, instead of enjoying it, I spend the whole time in severe pain, wishing I was in bed anyway.

It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. I feel afraid of my future and the challenges ahead. Even though I know I can and will survive them, I don’t want to. I want to live without being almost constantly challenged. I want to experience just somechallenges rather than the truck-load that’s already been.

I want to feel healthy, I want to feel well. I want to be able to do stuff I used to - stuff I really, really, want to do. I want to feel like the 29 year old I am, rather than the 136 year old I feel like I am. 

Ranting, moaning, and sharing all of this, definitely makes it easier to deal with and helps bring perspective, I just wish it made me actually better, too.

0.0 ·
0
Trending Today
Today I Rise: This Beautiful Short Film Is Like a Love Poem For Your Heart and Soul
4 min · 14,727 views today · "The world is missing what I am ready to give: My Wisdom, My Sweetness, My Love and My hunger for Peace." "Where are you? Where are you, little girl with broken wings but full...
The Top 100 Documentaries We Can Use to Change the World
Films For Action · 4,863 views today · A more beautiful, just and sustainable world is possible. Take this library and use it to inspire global change!
John Lennon's "Imagine," Made Into a Comic Strip
John Lennon. Art by Pablo Stanley · 1,982 views today · This is easily the best comic strip ever made.  Pabl
The Science Behind Connection
9 min · 1,676 views today · Evolutionary Biologist, Bruce Lipton, visits the Beatles Ashram in Rishikesh, India with UPLIFT writer, Jacob Devaney. Making a pilgrimage back to one of the epicenters of...
Life Goes On: A Positive and Uplifting Response to Dark Times
2 min · 1,105 views today · Recent world events have a lot of people feeling fearful and angry. But there is much more good than bad in this world, and I choose to remain hopeful. This video explains why.
Obama's Hidden Role in Worsening Climate Change
Stansfield Smith · 1,006 views today · It should be a scandal that leftists-liberals paint Trump as a special threat, a war mongerer – not Obama who is the first president to be at war everyday of his eight years...
PROPAGANDA (2012)
95 min · 919 views today · Since it mysteriously appeared on YouTube on July 18, 2012, ‘Propaganda’ has been described as ‘1984 meets The Blair Witch Project’, ‘A mouthful of scary porridge’, and ‘Even...
"Desert Goddess" Remembers Arizona's Glen Canyon
7 min · 622 views today · In this excerpt from the award-winning documentary DamNation, filmmakers Ben Knight and Travis Rummel interview the "desert goddess," Katie Lee. When the Glen Canyon Dam was...
Dinosaur explains Trump policies better than Trump!
8 min · 480 views today · Donald Trump is actually the corporate triceratops, Mr. Richfield, from the 90's TV show sitcom, "Dinosaurs". 
18 Empowering Illustrations to Remind Everyone Who's Really in Charge of Women's Bodies
Julianne Ross · 369 views today · When Brazilian graphic designer Carol Rossetti began posting colorful illustrations of women and their stories to Facebook, she had no idea how popular they would...
How Mindfulness Empowers Us
2 min · 335 views today · Many traditions speak of the opposing forces within us, vying for our attention. Native American stories speak of two wolves, the angry wolf and the loving wolf, who both live...
Make The Serengeti Great Again | Resource Scarcity, Demagogues and How Creativity Can Trump Hate (2017)
5 min · 325 views today · A Familiar Tale of Resource Scarcity, Demagogues, and How Creativity Can Trump Hate A quick, original, illustrated allegory that pokes at the demagogues we’ve got with an...
This Zen Comic Is Full of Timeless Life Lessons
Gavin Aung Than · 265 views today · Desiderata poem by Max Ehrmann beautifully illustrated by Gavin Aung Than
Defiance in the Face of Oppression - Iranian Artist Atena Farghadani Defends the Right to Draw
Gavin Aung Than · 243 views today · Atena Farghadani is a 28-year-old Iranian artist. She was recently sentenced to 12 years and 9 months in prison for drawing a cartoon.  
Stunning Photos By Alexander Semenov Showcase The Alien Beauty Of Jellyfish
Earth Porm · 241 views today · Jellyfish appear like beautiful aliens in Alexander Semenov’s photography, calling a new attraction to a magical species of marine life. Alexander Semenov is a marine...
Why It's Crucial for Women to Heal the Mother Wound
Bethany Webster · 240 views today · The issue at the core of women’s empowerment is the mother wound
The White Man in That Photo
Riccardo Gazzaniga · 237 views today · Sometimes photographs deceive. Take this one, for example. It represents John Carlos and Tommie Smith’s rebellious gesture the day they won medals for the 200 meters at the...
HUMAN (2015)
382 min · 227 views today · What is it that makes us human? Is it that we love, that we fight? That we laugh? Cry? Our curiosity? The quest for discovery?  Driven by these questions, filmmaker and artist...
The Political Elite: Idiots... or Criminals?
Michael Emero · 225 views today · I've been seeing a lot of people convinced that the DNC and all establishment Democrats are total idiots. How could they not be, when they sabotaged an easy win (Bernie) to...
Deconstructing Hierarchies: On Contrived Leadership and Arbitrary Positions of Power
Colin Jenkins · 219 views today · Bosses don't grow on trees. They don't magically appear at your job. They aren't born into their roles. They are created. They are manufactured to fulfill arbitrary positions...
Load More
What's Next
Like us on Facebook?
My Life Wasn't Supposed to Be Like This