Frankie Boyle on #PigGate - Not even in the top ten worst things Cameron has done
By Frankie Boyle / frankieboyle.com

Thinking of a joke after the masses have trampled a subject is a bit like looking for your contact lenses just after the Battle of Agincourt. It seems that everyone’s a topical comedy writer when the PM puts his willy in a pig’s mouth. Where were the general public for house prices remaining stable, the 7/7 bombings, no change in interest rates?  It’s not all pig fucking you know. The story also completely overshadowed the Lib Dem conference, which was, for the 60th year running, less interesting than someone having sex with a dead pig’s head.

David Cameron initially remained tight lipped. And if the pig had done the same they’d probably now be married. Cameron made it clear that he was ‘not intending to dignify this book by commenting on it’. Before adding, ‘But if you like I’ll stick my dick in’. It’s ironic for a book with the title ‘Call me Dave’ that Dave is the last thing people are going to be calling him from now on. Then again, I suppose Asda aren’t going to allow a book on their shelf with the title ‘Call me Pigfucker’, as so many customers would assume it was Piers Morgan’s autobiography.

The interesting thing for me is that because the allegation is that he did it in a roomful of people wearing dinner jackets it’s sort of Ok. If someone had walked in on him doing it alone in his constituency office he’d have had to resign. Boris was a member of this club too, so maybe he’s done the pig thing as well? In his case it’d be worse, because that’d be incest. It’s certainly an upper class thing. No working class person has fantasised about sticking their cock in a dead pig’s mouth since Raul Moat died.

The book suggests that an MP has in their possession a photograph of the act. If they had such a photo they’d have the blackmail potential so powerful they’d never have to work again. They could be parachuted into a constituency, ignore their constituents and simply use the Commons as a luncheon club.  Which narrows down the suspect to just a couple of hundred Tories.

It’s not like this would even be in the top ten worst things Cameron has done; it’s sort of like hearing that Ted Bundy once wanked off a hamster. Indeed, it says a great deal about our PM that my first question when I heard the allegation that he’d penetrated a dead pig was “Was it alive when he started?”. You have to wonder what was going through his mind. There must be a point in the middle of such an act when you think “I’m not in Gryffindor, am I?” Possibly it was this incident gave him the determination to become PM, so that the stench of death could coat his very soul and not just his balls.

The BBC delivered a brittle silence on a subject everybody else was talking about. The BBC is now so frightened it can’t even TELL US WHAT HAPPENED anymore. Hey BBC, relax, it’s OK to say what happened – you’re the news. Also, you’re actually supposed to distract us with stuff like this. If we don’t get to hear that our armed forces are involved in operations in Syria against the express will of parliament, then we at least deserve a News 24 roundtable where David Starkey discusses what kind of animals Henry VIII liked to knob with a weeping Chris Packham.

One broadsheet suggested the allegations could harm UK productivity as office workers were distracted from their jobs. Yes, but on the plus side for a brief 24 hours Britain became a world beating meme creating powerhouse. If Cameron really cared about Britain he’d mount the face of a different animal every week to give the creative people of this country the raw material we need to compete with China.

Cameron has now denied that he was involved in such an incident but it got me wondering: what is the real purpose of these kinds of bizarre rituals of the elite? I don’t really think that it’s so they all have dirt on each other, or even that the rituals themselves are particularly enjoyed. My guess is that our elite simply likes to check that it’s members have a broadminded approach to personal morality. Unlike the Mafia, our Establishment doesn’t have to worry about infiltration; both the police and media are supine. So these rituals evolve to filter out the only remaining threat to corruption: people who insist on playing by the rules. I suppose they reason that people who put their private parts into dead animals are just ethically a bit more gung-ho, a bit less by the book. The last thing that you want in the upper echelons of society is some bore who’s going to insist that, say, someone being offered a senior cabinet post ought to pay tax.

You have to wonder what the future holds for Lord Ashcroft. His bundling of the distracting but ultimately harmless pig allegations with the more politically serious allegation that Cameron lied about his non dom tax status was certainly a tactical error. Dave doesn’t do tactical errors. Or compassion. Dave has access to the gleaming levers of power of the steampunk entity that is the Former British Empire. Dave killed two British citizens with a missile and, if Ashcroft is to be believed, sticks his cock in pig’s heads. Best of luck Lord Ashcroft, best of luck.

4.3 ·
2
What's Next
Trending Today
Why Are Media Outlets Still Citing Discredited 'Fake News' Blacklist?
Adam Johnson · 7,470 views today · The Washington Post (11/24/16) last week published a front-page blockbuster that quickly went viral: Russia-promoted “fake news” had infiltrated the newsfeeds of 213 million...
93 Documentaries to Expand Your Consciousness
Films For Action · 7,411 views today · There are over 800 documentaries now cataloged in our library of social change films. That's probably way too many for any mortal to ever watch in a lifetime, let alone a few...
The Orwellian War on Skepticism
Robert Parry · 5,552 views today · Official Washington’s rush into an Orwellian future is well underway as political and media bigwigs move to silence Internet voices of independence and dissent, reports Robert...
90 Inspiring and Visionary Films That Will Change How You See the World in Profound Ways
Tim Hjersted · 4,415 views today · The world today is in crisis. Everybody knows that. But what is driving this crisis? It's a story, a story that is destroying the world. It's a story about our relationship to...
Projext X: Using Leaked Documents to Reveal the NSA's New York Spy Hub, Hidden in Plain Sight
10 min · 3,751 views today · A top-secret handbook takes viewers on an undercover journey to Titanpointe, the site of a hidden partnership. Narrated by Rami Malek and Michelle Williams, and based on...
Where Do You Draw the Line? (2016)
60 min · 3,687 views today · Why is the Ecuadorian government proposing to extract oil in an area frequently classified by ecologists as one of the most bio-diverse rainforest regions left intact on earth?...
Today I Rise: This Beautiful Short Film Is Like a Love Poem For Your Heart and Soul
4 min · 2,036 views today · "The world is missing what I am ready to give: My Wisdom, My Sweetness, My Love and My hunger for Peace." "Where are you? Where are you, little girl with broken wings but full...
Twelve Things To Remember After The US Election, From Front Line Organizers
Bill Quigley · 2,008 views today · When you find yourself in a suddenly darkened room, what do you do?   Some rush blindly to where they think the door might be.  Others stand still, let their eyes get...
Social Media Echo Chambers: Here's How Most of Us are Living in One
2 min · 1,936 views today · Americans are blocking out the friends and news sites that won't confirm their views.
What Makes Call-Out Culture So Toxic
Asam Ahmad · 1,335 views today · Call-out culture refers to the tendency among progressives, radicals, activists, and community organizers to publicly name instances or patterns of oppressive behaviour and...
Law Professor's Epic Response to Black Lives Matter Shirt Complaint
Social Design Notes · 1,255 views today · A first year law school student wrote a complaint about her professor having worn a Black Lives Matter T-shirt during class. The professor’s response is priceless. Scans of...
John Lennon's "Imagine," Made Into a Comic Strip
John Lennon. Art by Pablo Stanley · 995 views today · This is easily the best comic strip ever made.  Pabl
This Short Film Plays Out Like an Epic Movie That Will Shake Your Soul - But the Movie Is Real, and We are The Actors
6 min · 785 views today · For next year, we need a resolution capable of confronting the crisis we face, and making a future worth fighting for. This short film looks back on the crisis and confusion...
How Mindfulness Empowers Us
2 min · 771 views today · Many traditions speak of the opposing forces within us, vying for our attention. Native American stories speak of two wolves, the angry wolf and the loving wolf, who both live...
Why We Need Big Picture Activism
Helena Norberg-Hodge · 691 views today · Despite the countless grassroots projects already under way, the global economic juggernaut can seem too powerful to stop. But because more and more of us are becoming aware of...
How a Land High in the Western Himalayas Can Help Us Understand The Crisis of The Modern World
9 min · 477 views today · This is a clip from The Economics of Happiness. Watch it here. It's a brilliant film that was easy to put at the top of our list of the top 100 documentaries we can use to...
The 6 Grand Illusions That Keep Us Enslaved
Sigmund Fraud · 380 views today · For a magician to fool his audience his deceit must go unseen, and to this end he crafts an illusion to avert attention from reality. While the audience is entranced, the...
Dreaming Beyond Capitalism: a Culture Without Fear
Martin Winiecki · 379 views today · In the 1990s an unusual encounter took place in the Ecuadorian Amazon. In plant rituals, shamans of the Achuar, a tribe living in pristine forest that had never been in touch...
Schooling the World (2010)
66 min · 356 views today · If you wanted to change an ancient culture in a generation, how would you do it? You would change the way it educates its children. The U.S. Government knew this in the 19th...
Escape! From the Cult of Materialism (2016)
50 min · 323 views today · Does the philosophy of materialism work to destroy our identities, experience, and environment? Join narrator Daphne Ellis on a radical romp through the evidence and decide for...
Load More
Like us on Facebook?
Frankie Boyle on #PigGate - Not even in the top ten worst things Cameron has done