Fantasies, Sex & Betrayal: Exploring Love's Shadow
Fantasies, Sex & Betrayal: Exploring Love's Shadow
By Krishnanada Trobe /

We get an energy high in our initial time with someone but the going can get rough when we settle into life together. Most of us are deeply wounded with shame, insecurities and fears, full of mistrust but at the same time desperately needy for love. We bring this woundedness, often unknowingly, into our relationships and they show up as strategies, demands, avoidance, conflict, disappointments and even betrayals.

There are mine fields to step on and ditches to fall into and if we go into this adventure blindly, we will encounter these mines and ditches.


For example, sooner or later, we will run into our betrayal wound. Something happens in our relating that makes us feel that we can no longer trust the person we are with. They have done something that suddenly makes us realize that the person is not as "trustworthy“ as we hoped. Or perhaps they turn out to be different than we imagined – we start to see that they are not so reliable or honest, and they lack integrity, or they are not enough in their energy or closed and unavailable or clinging or demanding. We feel betrayed.

The problem is that we entered into the relationship full of expectations whether we realized them or not. Someone once asked Amana and me in a workshop if it wasn’t natural to expect the other person to be a certain way. We answered that we can expect all we want but the only expectation that holds water is to expect the other person to be 100% who they are.

Fantasies & Hopes

When we enter into our relationships, most of the time, we have not seen the person accurately. What we saw and probably continue to see is what we want to see, something that fits our fantasies and hopes. Then we get disappointed and feel betrayed. It is tough to drop our fantasies and expectations. It is a bit like dying. But once we find the space to actually see and accept the other as they are rather than as we want them to be, we have survived the "trust ditch."

We will hit a mine or a ditch when we try to make contracts in our relating. We are naturally terrified that if we open, we might be rejected or abandoned. But to make a contract out of our relating to feel safe only invites suffering if it does not correspond to what is. For example, a woman we worked with was deeply disappointed because her boyfriend broke their "commitment" and made love to another woman.

But when she looked more closely at the situation, she could see that he was not being honest to himself and his energy when he made the monogamy contract.

Playing a role:

Another form of this particular aspect of love’s shadow is getting stuck in a role. For example, one person becomes the parent or teacher and other person becomes the regressed child or student. It feels comfortable and secure for a while but sooner or later, it kills the love. Most intimate relationships play these roles to some extent but it becomes a problem when we are identified with one of them. It is a prison and eventually one person will do something to break the bonding – like having an affair. But if we can become aware of these roles initially, we can avoid the ditch. 


One of the widest and deepest ditches comes up around sex. At first, we may have passionate and fully alive sex but as people come closer and become more vulnerable, buried wounds start to surface and it affects our sexuality. Most often, we miss the initial freedom and aliveness and desperately try all kinds of ways to get it back. But the relating has gone deeper and depth means that shame, fears and dysfunction will surface. Without an understanding for this, a space to share and a way to include it in the love, one or both people sink into deep shame and feelings of betrayal.

We also encounter problems in the ways that we come close and give each other space. We come together with another person both with powerful memories of being emotionally or physically abandoned as well as being engulfed and possessed in the name of love. So we are highly sensitive to being demanded upon or not feeling that the other is there for us. Many conflicts revolve around these two wounds. With more understanding that both people need love and need space, we can learn to give each other what we need while also being sensitive to the other person’s wound.

These are only some of the areas where lack of understanding of our inner world can sabotage love and friendship. There is perhaps no greater challenge than to open to another because it is so easy to get hurt and some of us have been so hurt that we may have given up on love.

3.8 ·
What's Next
Trending Today
Noam Chomsky Has 'Never Seen Anything Like This'
Chris Hedges · 12,524 views today · Noam Chomsky is America’s greatest intellectual. His massive body of work, which includes nearly 100 books, has for decades deflated and exposed the lies of the power elite...
Donald Trump Is the Mirror and Hillary Clinton Is the Mask
Chris Agnos · 3,168 views today · Disclaimer: I do not support Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton for president. I think the scope of the political debate is far too narrow for the kinds of actions that need to...
Today I Rise: This Beautiful Short Film Is Like a Love Poem For Your Heart and Soul
4 min · 3,027 views today · "The world is missing what I am ready to give: My Wisdom, My Sweetness, My Love and My hunger for Peace." "Where are you? Where are you, little girl with broken wings but full...
Mark Corske's Engines of Domination (2014)
60 min · 2,849 views today · Political power -- armed central authority, with states and war -- is it part of human nature? Is it necessary for human communities? Or is it a tool that ruling elites use to...
Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed (The Real Reason For The Forty-Hour Workweek)
David Cain · 2,221 views today · Well I’m in the working world again. I’ve found myself a well-paying gig in the engineering industry, and life finally feels like it’s returning to normal after my nine months...
HyperNormalisation (2016)
161 min · 1,558 views today · We live in a time of great uncertainty and confusion. Events keep happening that seem inexplicable and out of control. Donald Trump, Brexit, the War in Syria, the endless...
What Makes Call-Out Culture So Toxic
Asam Ahmad · 1,539 views today · Call-out culture refers to the tendency among progressives, radicals, activists, and community organizers to publicly name instances or patterns of oppressive behaviour and...
Gil Scott-Heron Deconstructs Colonialism and Black History in His Own Unique Style
3 min · 1,142 views today · His-Story: I was wondering about our yesterdays, and starting searching through the rubble and to say the very least, somebody went to a hell of a lot of trouble to make sure...
The White Man in That Photo
Riccardo Gazzaniga · 1,021 views today · Sometimes photographs deceive. Take this one, for example. It represents John Carlos and Tommie Smith’s rebellious gesture the day they won medals for the 200 meters at the...
10 Quotes From an Oglala Lakota Chief That Will Make You Question Everything About Our Society
Wisdom Pills · 919 views today · Luther Standing Bear was an Oglala Lakota Sioux Chief who, among a few rare others such as Charles Eastman, Black Elk and Gertrude Bonnin occupied the rift between the way of...
Donald and Hobbes Is Genius
Various · 900 views today · Some clever folk have been replacing precocious 6-year-old Calvin, from the Calvin and Hobbes comic strips, with Donald Trump and the results are, well, take a look...
John Lennon's "Imagine," Made Into a Comic Strip
John Lennon. Art by Pablo Stanley · 826 views today · This is easily the best comic strip ever made.  Pabl
Schooling the World (2010)
66 min · 547 views today · If you wanted to change an ancient culture in a generation, how would you do it? You would change the way it educates its children. The U.S. Government knew this in the 19th...
Planet Earth II Could Be Best Nature Doc Ever Made
3 min · 494 views today · 10 years ago Planet Earth changed our view of the world. Now we take you closer than ever before. This is life in all its wonder. This is Planet Earth II. A decade ago, the...
Anarchists - What We Stand For
unknown · 472 views today · Anarchism : The word “anarchy” comes from Greek and means “no rulers”. As a political philosophy, anarchism is based on the idea that organization does not require rulers—that...
For Those Who Don't Want to Vote for the Lesser of Two Evils
Peter White · 393 views today · Ranked-choice voting is catching on, and Maine might become the first state to help citizens vote for candidates they actually want.
The Top 100 Documentaries We Can Use to Change the World
Films For Action · 380 views today · A more beautiful, just and sustainable world is possible. Take this library and use it to inspire global change!
Are You Lost in the World Like Me?
3 min · 293 views today · Animated film by Steve Cutts for 'Are You Lost In The World Like Me?', taken from These Systems Are Failing- the debut album from Moby & The Void Pacific Choir. 
The Revenge of the Lower Classes and the Rise of American Fascism
Chris Hedges · 277 views today · College-educated elites, on behalf of corporations, carried out the savage neoliberal assault on the working poor. Now they are being made to pay. Their duplicity—embodied in...
Eckhart Tolle: Your Facebook Ego, That's Not Who You Are
2 min · 263 views today · “Identification with thoughts and the emotions that go with those thoughts creates a false mind-made sense of self, conditioned by the past: the "little me" and its story. This...
Load More
Like us on Facebook?
Fantasies, Sex & Betrayal: Exploring Love's Shadow